ConvictionI want to talk about the idea of “conviction” in some fundamentalist Christian circles. Particularly I want to talk about how it is used by some Christians both as a gas-lighting technique and as a method of manipulation. However, I have not really had time or the ability to put my thoughts together in a coherent fashion. So instead, I think I will just tell a couple of stories. These stories occurred while I lived as a woman, so I am using those pronouns and terms since they are relevant to the stories.Conviction by EternalGeekExposed
Note: for those unaware of this particular Christianese phrase, I am referring to the following definition: a feeling of guilt or shame that God inflicts on a person that comes with the recognition of having committed a sin.
When I was outed as gay to my family, I was living overseas and working on my Masters degree in Astrophysics. Needless to say, I was already under a lot of stress, even before dealing with my family keeping me up ti
Emotional incest: my sister and IDear Sister,Emotional incest: my sister and I by EternalGeekExposed
You were my first and often my only friend. In the early days of our lives it was just you and me. Homeschooling was new in our community, there were few other children for us to play with and we lived in the country with acres of woods and pastures all to ourselves. We built castles in the trees, picked mulberries behind the house, blazed trails through the weeds, gathered up our skirts and waded through creeks, climbed, fell, scraped, bruised, laughed, ran, and lived together. We were dinosaurs, runaways, horses, lions, detectives, unicorns, secret agents. We were always together, every day, every hour.
Sometimes I wonder if that togetherness is what hurt you. Sometimes I wonder if that’s why you never learned to let go.
We grew up. Still, we were together. Grandpa said that we were amazing because we never fought. That was not completely true, but fights were rare. We were very different people but
Love is an emotion, not an actionThis thought just hit me like a pile of bricks, and I need to sound off on it really fast.Love is an emotion, not an action by EternalGeekExposed
In evangelical culture, it is often repeated that love is not an emotion. Love is an action. If you google search for those words, a slew of Christian articles pop up. Christian courtship books, books about relationships, evangelical talking heads have reinforced this message. My family said it over and over. Until maybe yesterday I had just accepted this paradigm without question. It made sense. Love isn’t an emotion, it’s so much more than that. Love isn’t a feelings towards someone, it’s doing something to them.
This was rooted deeply in a rejection of emotion and desires in general. After all, feelings are fickle, cheap, short-lived. Feelings are deceitful, like the heart. Feelings are sinful, the lust of the flesh, the pride of life. Wants, needs, feelings, desires… all of these are to be crucified. But love is to remain, so love is not a feeling. Love is action
Review of James Dobson's Preparing for AdolescenceI left this review on Amazon after purchasing a 1-cent copy of this book to verify for myself some of the stupid bullshit that made up my ‘sexual education.’ Amazon wants me to rate the book, so here it is. Note: I don’t tackle the deeper problems of gender essentialism or unhealthy attitudes about sex here since I wanted this review to be palatable to potential buyers. Most of these potential buyers will be semi-conservative Christians, so I wanted to discuss the book’s shortcomings within that framework. Besides, the review is already too long!Review of James Dobson's Preparing for Adolescence by EternalGeekExposed
Rating: 1 star
I understand that many Christian parents will feel themselves in a bind when it comes to educating their students about sex, puberty, anatomy, and influences that a teenager may face at school and in their neighborhood. They may want to find an education book that reflects their values while still having a straight talk about sex and bodies. Preparing for
Lived, learned, and loved.|
This is a second account where I feel safe being involved in the LGBT community. My main account is . However, I ask you to please, PLEASE not discuss LGBT topics there or link anything on that account back to this one. This is my alias where I can be safe in who I am. Thank you for your understanding.
It's been about a year since we had much of any communication. I offered you an invitation to my wedding. I wanted to let you know that you were welcome to be there, although I acknowledged that I didn't know if you'd be interested, given our theological differences.
You responded by saying you wouldn't be able to make it to my wedding "this time" because of a list of grievances that you shared. This included claims that I had accused you of "various things" (I have no idea what that means), you don't like my fiance (classy), there would be people there that you don't know (um... yeah, it's MY wedding... it's not going to be all YOUR friends), I had not kept in contact as much as you wanted me to (how the fuck was I supposed to know that when you never call me either?), I may have spread rumors about you (false), and I asked you not to talk about my fiance (also false). Your email was full of hostile language and snark, and you wrapped up saying that "for future reference" I should reconcile with you before I send invitations to things (translation: I should anticipate and appease your unspecified and un-communicated demands before I can expect to get your permission to live my own life.)
I already wrote you a response, detailing my issues with this communication, first and foremost being that you NEVER discussed any of the vague issues above with me prior to this communication, and several things you listed are blatant lies. When I called you out on this, you at least admitted that the "rumors" were completely unsubstantiated (whereas, on the other hand, I have solid proof that you have spread rumors about me amongst mutual friends). You didn't address that I've never asked you not to talk about my fiance, apart from asking you not to criticize or talk badly about her. Indeed, it was mom and dad (and their stupid Christian counselor) that insisted that I was not to ever make mention of my relationship around them and I seem to recall you thought this was reasonable and appropriate (hint: it's not.)
Also "this time"??? Are you serious? Oh, and when I responded to you and told you that didn't appreciate you being so disrespectful, you whined that "I thought I was allowed to be honest" and "actually, I think your wedding invitation was just baiting me to reject so that you could vent your anger on me." What? WHAT? Where the fuck would you get an idea like that from? Yes, if someone invites you to their wedding, the OBVIOUS reason is that they are trying to lure you into being rude and reject them so they can get angry. You are so delusional it's almost funny, but mostly it's enraging.
After all of that, I barely got an acknowledgement of the birthday present I sent you, and the only other communication we had was you complaining about me publicly on Facebook with mutual friends and then blocking me when I asked you to keep those conversations private. My wedding came an went, there was no acknowledgement from you. No communication. Nothing.
And now, a couple of months ago, you sent me a postcard with just normal messages, like nothing is wrong. I'm sorry, but if I was legitimately pissed off enough at someone to throw their wedding invitation in their face, use it as an excuse to sneer at them and put them down, gripe publicly on Facebook about them to some of their friends, and ignore their wedding, I would NOT be sending them happy little postcards as if nothing happened. If I was legitimately pissed at someone enough to treat them like utter SHIT the way you've treated me, I would not be on friendly postcard-writing terms with them.
What this confirms to me is that you have no legitimate reasons for treating me like shit. None. Your excuses have all rung hollow, your complaints have all be built on lies. You are nothing but a manipulator. I've seen through you by now. Remember all of the times that I would call you after not hearing from you for weeks just to say hi and you'd yell at me for not calling sooner? Remember how many times you'd wait for me to be on the phone with my girlfriend and you'd decide you wanted me to go for a walk RIGHT NOW and if I said "sure, after I get off the phone" you'd say "no, I'm going NOW" and then give me the cold shoulder for the rest of the night because I dared to not be on your schedule? Remember how you demanded that I apologize for having a private phone conversation with my (at that time) boyfriend because you felt you ought to be included because "it's so hurtful that you would have a conversation with a mutual friend without me"? Remember how you demanded that I apologize for inviting you to an event that I had planned with some friends because I had DARED to pick the activity and invite people without consulting you first? Remember how you told me that you would NEVER hang out with me and my girlfriend together because you believed us to be immoral, and then railed at me for not inviting you to a movie that I was going to with my girlfriend? Remember how you sent me emails with hateful anti-gay articles attached and, when I asked you not to, you scoffed at me for being oversensitive and so easily offended by "truth"? Remember when you told me you were not going to go overseas with me and then called me back a few days later demanding to know why I was telling other people LIES about how you weren't going overseas? Remember all of those times that you demanded I apologize for crimes I didn't know I had committed, over and over and over and over and OVER, trying to make me feel like shit about myself because I couldn't figure out what was so fucking wrong with me and why I couldn't ever do ANYTHING right by you?
In the context of all of this history, your behavior around my wedding invitation makes perfect sense. You are a manipulator. You love to see me beat myself down, apologize to you for crimes that I don't understand, promise to do better, constantly be abasing myself. That's what you like. I guess it makes you feel good.
Well, you can take that attitude and go to hell with it. I am fucking done. And that's why I'm not sending you a card or gift this year. Because I'm not going to pretend like things are okay. I'm not going to keep abasing myself for you. You know, you could be a pretty awesome sister sometimes. We had great times together. We had a connection. But you severed it. It's not my fault. YOU are the one that decided to treat me like shit. You're the one who refused to acknolwedge the pain you were causing. You are the one who always demanded apologies but never offered them EVER. You are the one who used one of the most important single moments in my life as leverage to try to put me in my place and beat me down and treat me like shit and make everything all about YOU.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with you and I don't see much point in speculating. If you need help, I hope you go find it. If you just need to sit and reflect on yourself I hope you do. But I'm not going to be there for you. I'm not going to help you. I'm not going to touch you with a 10-ft pole. You know fucking well that you're acting like a total piece of shit, and I refuse to engage with that anymore. Figure yourself out somewhere else. I don't want to see you, hear from you, or acknowledge you until you're ready to act like a decent human being. And, quite frankly, I don't know that you ever well.
Fuck you and everything you stand for and, most importantly, stay the fuck out of my life.