Dear Mama and Daddy,
First of all, in reply to your email, Daddy. I guess it shouldn't surprise me at all that you didn't want anything to do with me after I came out as transgender. I feel like that flipped a final switch for you. You were never the most conciliatory party, and maybe you gave up long before then. But I'm certain that, at that point, you just didn't give a fuck anymore. There was no concern, no interest, no attempt at understanding when I came out to you. There was only dismissal and... was it irritation? Annoyance? Yeah, I'm such a pain in the ass, existing as myself. How irritating that your child isn't who you want them to be.
You're not the best at expressing your feelings, especially not in the moment, so I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. But your email confirmed it. You were never interested in having a relationship with me as a transgender person, even while agreeing to disagree on the morality of my identity and choices. You were perfectly content to never see me or speak to me again after I had "gone into a far country" or whatever the fuck you call it. Do I make you uncomfortable? Embarrassed? What is it about me that is so intolerable? Is it just to put me in my place? Who the fuck knows. All I know is that you don't give a fuck about me anymore.
Oh, and fuck off with your "you are deceived about us" bullshit. Who is deceiving me? Satan? The World? Or maybe I'm just reacting naturally to the signals that YOU are giving me. If YOU feel that your intentions and feelings are misunderstood, maybe YOU should clarify them instead of throwing your hands up and surrendering to the supernatural forces that "deceive" me.
I know you think I'm deceived about my gender too, although why the fuck Satan would choose "hey, don't you feel like you're the wrong gender?" as his method of leading me astray is beyond me. He's clearly not a very smart guy. It would have been much easier to try to tempt me with something that I was much less scared of, something that I was more open to. Do you have any idea how HARD it is to admit that you're transgender or even gay? Do you have any idea how HARD I tried to fight it? Do you have any idea how many times I cried and prayed and begged it to go away? Do you have any idea how scared I was, even once I no longer felt it was a sin? Do you know how much I shook and doubted and questioned and feared embracing this, even without moral concerns?
No, of course you don't, because you never tried to hear my side of the story at all. You just imagined up your own narrative where being transgender and loving a woman was an easy, wide path, paved with rainbows and sparkles, full of open doors and encouragement from The World. Well, guess what? It's not. It has been full of fear and struggles and pain and I knew that it would be from the start. I, unlike you, am not a faith-blinded idiot. I actually live in fucking REALITY. And in fucking REALITY it's tough to lose your family, turn your back on your upbringing, and reject societal cultural norms, risk discrimination and harassment, and undergo medical procedures in order to live authentically as yourself. So no, this isn't something that I got suckered into because it just looked like so much FUN. You are fucking crazy if you think so.
Oh and as far as me being "separated from... all that we are"? Cry me a river. I AM NOT OBLIGATED TO BE A FUCKING CARBON COPY OF YOU. Who cares if I've separated myself from some of the things you believe? That's called being a NORMAL TWENTY-FUCKING-SEVEN YEAR OLD ADULT. Most parents can handle the fact that their adult children don't agree with them about everything and they are still willing to talk to them. The fact that you seem to think that a relationship with you is contingent on my agreeing with you about my own fucking body and my own fucking beliefs just proves that you are the one with the serious problem with tolerating disagreement. And just to remind you, I NEVER fucking asked you to agree with me about ANYTHING I've done... I only asked that you treat me with the most basic human respect of using my name and not treating me like shit (and you made a point of refusing to honor either of those requests in your last email I might add. Classy.)
Okay, I have to say a few words to you, Mama. I've already unloaded a lot of things at you over the phone, but I want to make sure a few things sank in. First, you act like an immature, whiny, tantrum-throwing 3-year-old. Seriously. Get a fucking counselor (a real one, not some bible-based bullshit) and work through some of your issues. Have someone teach you how to fucking communicate, because you SUCK at it. Either that, or you just love being an asshole to people and then playing the misunderstood martyr whenever you get called out for it. It's not fucking cute. It's not even cute on a 3 year old. You're over fifty. GROW THE FUCK UP.
Second, stop it with this "I just wanted to share my heart" bullshit. Sharing your heart doesn't automatically make what you're saying okay. In fact, if I said half of the things that were "on my heart" I probably wouldn't have any friends. Just because you feel it doesn't mean it's appropriate to say. HOW HAVE YOU NOT LEARNED THIS YET? Some thoughts should remain thoughts and some feelings should be kept to yourself. Phrases like "overshare", "too soon", "TMI", "not right now", "that's rude", "that's inappropriate", "not here", and countless others are dedicated expressly to setting these boundaries. I suggest you study them.
Oh, and "I thought we were just having a conversation" is just as idiotic of an appeal when I tell you were being offensive. Yes. Yes, we were having a conversation. That does not mean that you get to abandon all rules of politeness and respect. Where the fuck did you come up with that leap of logic?
Finally, let me give you one last crash-course on boundaries and how they go both ways. You were happy to set your own rules, but every time I attempted to set a boundary you'd start crying or whining about how cruel and unfair it is for me to make requests about how I am treated. And then you'd promptly disregard them because "surely it doesn't apply right now" or "I didn't think it would really matter." Here's the thing: IF I BOTHERED TO ASK YOU NOT TO DO SOMETHING IT MEANS IT FUCKING MATTERS TO ME. You might not understand why (although if you ever took a moment to even attempt to empathize, you probably would) but that does NOT mean that you get to fucking disregard it. It amazes me that you have absolutely no concept of respect for me whatsoever. You seem to think that I am a possession of yours that is misbehaving by doing things you don't want. You feel entitled to my obedience (remember I'm 27!!!), you feel that I should defer to you in all things, you feel personally betrayed if I don't share parts of my personal life with you, you feel owed the right to dictate every aspect of our relationship according to your desires and comfort level, you feel personally insulted if I make requests about how I am treated, you get angry if I show any sort of independent thought or action... you treat me like a fucking OBJECT. This is not how you treat another human being! That's how you treat your computer when it has a virus and is acting up. I am a fucking PERSON with my own personality, thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, goals, and beliefs. YOU FUCKING RESPECT THAT.
And finally, to both of you, you are selfish. Pathetically selfish, entitled, and self-absorbed. Never have you considered how your actions might impact me... or if you did, you clearly didn't give a shit. It doesn't matter to you that I'm trying to get through a semester in my PhD program, that I might have a lot to deal with, or that being fucking disowned by my parents in the middle of all of this might be harmful to my grades and my health. I asked you not to contact me, and right at the beginning of my semester, what do you do? You write me an email just to fucking bitch at me. You KNOW that any form of communication tends to be emotionally fraught, but did that matter? Nope. Who the fuck cares? You had FEELINGS that you wanted to share, and that takes precedence over my requests, over my boundaries, over my schooling, over my feelings, over my time, over my needs. It has never, ever been about me. It's always about you, you, you. Your "sincere beliefs" and your desire to shove them in my face and maybe bash my nose in with them are more important than ANYTHING. Well guess what? I have a fucking life. I have a family to spend time with and a shit-ton of school work to do because I'm fucking going places (aren't you proud?) and I can't be bothered with your bullshit in my life. You might think that sabotaging my semester and emotionally abusing me is no big deal, but you're only showing off how self-centered and ugly you are. You are my parents. Normal parents support their kids when they are working hard, going places, getting degrees, etc. Normal parents don't carelessly try to derail their son in the middle of his semester just out of spite!
Fuck you. I deserve better than you. Fortunately, I'm tough enough to get by all the same. Yes, you fucked up my semester and my grades have tanked, but I'm already working on bringing them back up. Yes, you've emotionally scarred me, but I've learned how to put myself back together and deal with it. Yes, you made me lose my temper, but maybe it's about time that I did. Yes, you abandoned me and treated me like garbage, but I'm better than you and I will keep going and live a great life and make a positive difference in the world and raise my children with love and respect and be everything for them that you weren't for me... a supportive, empathetic, respectful, conscientious parent. And I'm sure I'll fuck up. But I'll listen to my child and I'll learn and, most importantly, I will never, ever abandon them. Because that's what being a parent should look like, and I sure as hell will be a better one than you.
Your son, Evan